- The reason I talk to myself is because I’m the only one whose answers I accept.
- The IQ and the life expectancy of the average American recently passed each other in opposite directions.
- If it’s true that our species is alone in the universe, then I’d have to say that the universe aimed rather low and settled for very little.
- Never underestimate the power of stupid people in large groups.
- Religion has actually convinced people that there's an invisible man living in the sky who watches everything you do, every minute of every day. And the invisible man has a special list of ten things he does not want you to do. And if you do any of these ten things, he has a special place, full of fire and smoke and burning and torture and anguish, where he will send you to live and suffer and burn and choke and scream and cry forever and ever 'til the end of time! But He loves you. He loves you, and He needs money! He always needs money! He's all-powerful, all-perfect, all-knowing, and all-wise, somehow just can't handle money!
- Have you ever noticed that anybody driving slower than you is an idiot, and anyone going faster than you is a maniac?
- Tell people there's an invisible man in the sky who created the universe, and the vast majority will believe you. Tell them the paint is wet, and they have to touch it to be sure.
- Think of how stupid the average person is, and realise half of them are stupider than that.
- Here's all you have to know about men and women: women are crazy, men are stupid. And the main reason women are crazy is that men are stupid.
- The planet is fine. The people are fucked.
- I do this real moron thing, and it's called thinking. And apparently I'm not a very good American because I like to form my own opinions.
- How come when it’s us, it’s an abortion, and when it’s a chicken, it’s an omelette?
Carlin was an American stand-up comedian, social critic, actor, and author.